KEY POINTS
- Sexual boredom is a stronger predictor of relationship dissatisfaction than low desire.
- Quality of connection during intimacy matters more than sexual frequency.
- Rustiness is not failure—it’s a reminder to nurture the relationship.
One of the biggest challenges in long-term relationships is keeping passion alive. This isn’t just about maintaining desire or addressing the broader emotional and relational disconnection described in the “rustiness phenomenon.” It’s about something more specific, what researchers call “sexual boredom.” A recent study found that sexual boredom is an even bigger predictor of relationship dissatisfaction than low desire. This doesn’t mean couples stop wanting each other. Instead, it’s often tied to routine, lack of novelty, or a sense of predictability in the sexual aspect of the relationship.6
Psychologists describe the “rustiness phenomenon” as the gradual decline in connection that arises from life’s demands.5 It’s not a lack of love but a buildup of responsibilities—busy schedules, parenting, work stress—that cause partners to drift into predictable patterns and feel more like roommates than lovers. Over time, couples may find themselves simply co-existing, and sexual boredom is the sharp extension of this. But with intentional care, couples can restore intimacy—and understanding the science behind this process can be a great starting point.
The good news? Rustiness and sexual boredom aren’t permanent.
A Silent Predictor of Dissatisfaction
For years, low or diminished desire has been viewed as a leading cause of relationship dissatisfaction. However, new research suggests that sexual boredom is an even bigger predictor of dissatisfaction than low desire. Even when couples maintain feelings of care and desire for one another, a lack of intimacy may leave them feeling unfulfilled.
Interestingly, and not surprisingly, the study found that women with lower levels of sexual boredom reported significantly higher satisfaction in their relationships. Even when they experienced attraction to others outside the relationship, it didn’t impact their satisfaction as long as their relationship felt engaging and exciting.6 In other words, when couples maintain the intimate connection, outside attractions tend to fade into the background.
Another study found that sexual satisfaction plays a critical role in overall happiness for both men and women. For women, emotional closeness—what we often call intimacy—is particularly important, especially in cohabiting relationships. For men, satisfaction tends to start high early in the relationship but can dip over time if physical passion or emotional intimacy isn’t maintained.2
These studies highlight the importance of addressing sexual boredom not just as a personal issue but as a relational one. And this isn’t about strictly physical intimacy alone. It’s about the relationship dynamic where both partners feel engaged and excited by their shared connection.
Addressing Rustiness
The “rustiness phenomenon” often begins subtly and in many cases is unnoticeable. When life becomes a series of routines and predictability—think work, parenting, errands—emotional and physical intimacy take a backseat. But the relationship doesn’t have to become rusty.
Biologically, one way to break this cycle is by tapping into oxytocin, often called the “love hormone.” Oxytocin is released during moments of physical closeness, when hugging, kissing, holding hands, and through shared experiences that build trust and attachment. These small acts of intimacy can be included in daily routines, and who knows, one thing might just lead to another. Combining familiarity and novelty can support intimacy in ways that feel both thrilling and safe.
When One Novelty Leads to the “Other”
Addressing the rustiness phenomenon and rekindling intimacy isn’t just about hopping into bed. It’s about emotional connection that supports physical closeness. Small acts of affection are often the precursors to more intimate moments. These gestures don’t just lead to sex, they stand on their own as essential steps in maintaining connection.
Novelty is important and also happens to be exciting. While oxytocin strengthens bonds, dopamine, the brain’s reward chemical, is activated through new and rousing experiences. These small acts of intimacy don’t have to be “entirely” novel—sometimes just breaking from routine can feel fresh and engaging. And while the destination may be familiar, how you get there is entirely up to you.
The self-expansion model offers more perspective on breaking sexual boredom. This model emphasizes the importance of engaging in new and challenging activities as a couple. Shared experiences, even in small ways, can support personal and relational growth.1 When partners see each other in new contexts—learning a skill, exploring an unfamiliar place—it creates excitement and reminds them of why they fell in love.
On a related note, Meltzer’s research also emphasizes that it’s not the frequency of sex that matters most in long-term relationships. It’s the quality of connection during those moments. Couples who focus on intimacy, passion, and mutual satisfaction during sex are more likely to experience what’s known as the “afterglow,” a period of increased cohesion and happiness that lasts beyond the act itself. On the flip side, prioritizing frequency without attending to emotional connection may lead to diminished satisfaction over time.3
Why? Because sex, when stripped of its emotional and relational context, can lose its meaning.
Consider the popular challenges that encourage couples to have sex every day for a week—or even a month. At first glance, these ideas seem exciting, even promising. The theory is that by physically connecting daily, couples can strengthen their bond and boost happiness. And for some, it may work. But research suggests that more sex doesn’t always equal more happiness. Without the precursor of emotional intimacy, the physical act can feel more like a duty—going through the motions that may not always feel convincing or satisfactory.4
Breaking Patterns of Boredom
Rustiness and sexual boredom aren’t signs of failure. They are reminders that relationships need care and attention to thrive. The answer may lie in blending familiarity with novelty, using thoughtful, intentional actions to rebuild connection and intimacy.
The research supports this notion. Couples who prioritize connection, communication, and curiosity can reduce the “rustiness” in the relationship and enjoy being together. Sexual boredom doesn’t have to mean the end of intimacy. Instead, it can be a reminder to explore new ways of loving and being loved.
References
- Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1986). Love as the expansion of self: Understanding attraction and satisfaction. New York: Hemisphere.
- Józefacka, N. M., Szpakiewicz, E., Lech, D., Guzowski, K., & Kania, G. (2023). What matters in a relationship—Age, sexual satisfaction, relationship length, and interpersonal closeness as predictors of relationship satisfaction in young adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(5), 4103.
- Meltzer, A. L., Makhanova, A., Hicks, L. L., French, J. E., McNulty, J. K., & Bradbury, T. N. (2017). Quantifying the sexual afterglow: The lingering benefits of sex and their implications for pair-bonded relationships. Psychological Science, 28(5), 587–598.
- Metcalfe, K., Kilimnik, C., & Meston, C. (2024). Having sex out of a sense of duty: The influence of nonconsensual sexual experiences and sexual functioning. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 21(Supplement_5), qdae054.055.
- Olds, J., & Schwartz, R. (2009). Marriage in motion: The natural ebb and flow of lasting relationships. Harvard University Press.
- de Oliveira, L., Vallejo-Medina, P., & Carvalho, J. (2025). Sexual boredom and its impact on sexual and relationship satisfaction: A study with Portuguese women. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 51(1), 96–109.
